Sunday, May 31, 2015

This is my catharsis ...

This is my catharsis. This is my release. My release of everything in the past and everything to come in the future. I used to say that things have changed and I’m willing to adapt to those changes, to keep some tidbit of what we once had, to adjust to the changes, to hang on.

But I can’t do it anymore, too much had happened. There’s been far too much radio silence and the pretense that you still care about me, that you still care about our past together. I guess this is the kiss off and after all the years, all the laughs and happy memories, after all the tears and all the troubled times this is what it comes down to.

It’s all the things I’m too afraid to say to you, not because you don’t deserve to hear it but because I’m afraid I’ll forgive you. I’ll forgive you again as I have done many times before. I’ll look past your shortcomings as my friend and give you, yet another, chance.  I’ll over look the times you made me feel inferior and made me feel small. I’ll welcome you back with open arms. I know this about myself, which is why I’m too afraid to say this to you in person.

And I don’t hate you; I’m not mad or angry. I’m merely indifferent towards you at this point. I’m angrier with myself if I’m to be honest for letting your behavior slide for so long, for just sweeping it under the rug under the pretense of not letting the little things get to me. Unfortunately it’s the little things that have finally built themselves up into one giant thing.

My relationships are like a roster, constantly fluctuating and changing from year to year, day to day and week to week. There’s now an open spot on my roster but filling it, that’s not the problem. Because if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past few months that for every person that makes me feel inferior there’s another person out there to make me feel great.

The friends that I have made in the last handful of years their friendship means more to me than the decade we had together. I’ve got people in my life that will text me just to check in, people that want to hang out just because and value me and what I have to offer them. I don’t feel second best to them and I trust them, I know I can trust them.

This is my catharsis. This is my release. This is my indifference. This is my goodbye.

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