This is my catharsis ...

This is my catharsis. This is my release. My release of everything in the past and everything to come in the future. I used to say that things have changed and I’m willing to adapt to those changes, to keep some tidbit of what we once had, to adjust to the changes, to hang on.

But I can’t do it anymore, too much had happened. There’s been far too much radio silence and the pretense that you still care about me, that you still care about our past together. I guess this is the kiss off and after all the years, all the laughs and happy memories, after all the tears and all the troubled times this is what it comes down to.

It’s all the things I’m too afraid to say to you, not because you don’t deserve to hear it but because I’m afraid I’ll forgive you. I’ll forgive you again as I have done many times before. I’ll look past your shortcomings as my friend and give you, yet another, chance.  I’ll over look the times you made me feel inferior and made me feel small. I’ll welcome you back with open arms. I know this about myself, which is why I’m too afraid to say this to you in person.

And I don’t hate you; I’m not mad or angry. I’m merely indifferent towards you at this point. I’m angrier with myself if I’m to be honest for letting your behavior slide for so long, for just sweeping it under the rug under the pretense of not letting the little things get to me. Unfortunately it’s the little things that have finally built themselves up into one giant thing.

My relationships are like a roster, constantly fluctuating and changing from year to year, day to day and week to week. There’s now an open spot on my roster but filling it, that’s not the problem. Because if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past few months that for every person that makes me feel inferior there’s another person out there to make me feel great.

The friends that I have made in the last handful of years their friendship means more to me than the decade we had together. I’ve got people in my life that will text me just to check in, people that want to hang out just because and value me and what I have to offer them. I don’t feel second best to them and I trust them, I know I can trust them.

This is my catharsis. This is my release. This is my indifference. This is my goodbye.

Things I Remind Myself ...

First and foremost I am allowed to say NO.

No is a complete sentence and I do not need to explain it or justify it.

I do not need to make someone else’s problems my own. I can be supportive without taking on problems as my own.

I have my own life, my own wants and my own needs that need to be attended to. It is okay to make time for myself and I should do so without guilt or reservation.

Just because someone wants me to feel guilty does not always mean that I should. Have I caused you harm? Did I hurt your feelings? Did I apologize?

My friends are the people in my life that make the effort to be in my life an I in theirs. My friends are the people that know my wishes and my dreams, they do not try to steer my life for me.

My friends are my support system. I make the effort to be apart of their lives because they make the same effort for me.

I do not need to carry a friendship all on my own. It is okay to step back and say “I will not alter my life to fit theirs. My time is of value too.”

My family is important, more than anything else.

It is okay for me to drop everything for family when they need me.

I will give the respect that I receive. I am a human being deserving of being treated as such and respected as a person, an equal.

These are a few things in life that took me a long time to learn. Little mantras I chant to myself through the day when I need them. But most importantly these are the things in life that allow me to live a happy life.

These are the types of reminders I need every now and then when I find myself between a rock and a hard place in any given relationship. Because while I would do anything for the people I love I will not prioritize my life when I am only an option in theirs.

Relationships

Photo Cred: http://maozblog.com/israel/living-in-israel-blog-why-you-need-to-make-new-friends/#.U4T7WV5bTwI

Okay so I tried to do something different this week; by different I mean three attempts at recording a video. But sadly that was not to happen. This week I want to talk about relationships, not so much romantic relationships or the livery dove kind but everyday relationships. Mainly friendships.

I bring up this topic because recently I feel like I've been struggling with my standing in a particular relationship. I have been trying to find my footing, so to speak, with a specific person in my life. And maybe this makes me a bitch for ranting anonymously but really all I'm looking for is an outlet, a safe zone where I can get what I'm feeling off my chest and express myself. This is a big reason as to why I will not name names, I will not ambiguously hint at the person to which I'm speaking about. I will be speaking mostly in generalities and what I've been feeling as of late.

And really what I've been feeling is like I've been demoted to second string, I'm the back up friend to someone that still claims that we're more than that. Honestly I don't mind being a second string friend, I have them, we all have them. Being in that position is not really the issue what bothers me is when I'm told that I mean more to you; but your words and your actions are so inconsistent that it hurts a bit. I don't like being told we're close and yet I seem to be a dirty little secret.

Now I've got quality friends in my life that I would bend over backwards for! I've got friends that I would do anything for! I guess that's part of growing up, I'm not interested in having 20-30 friends that only know bits and pieces about me. I'm interested in those 3-4 people that I can go to when I need someone to just sit with me and watch bad TV with, have a drink after a crappy day. I'm interested in those people that are honest with me, that will tell me to my face they have other plans with people and that's why we can't hang out. While good close friends are like family to me I respect that they have their own lives.

And sometimes I like to blame that fact that I'm a Scorpio on this, because there's no in-between with me. I run either hot or cold, I can be your best friend or your worst enemy; I don't really have that lukewarm personality! To fellow Scorpios out there you know what I'm talking about, you know what it's like to exist only at either end of the spectrum and not in middle.

So I guess what I'm really trying to say is that it's honesty I really value above all else, don't try to fool either of us and claim that I am more to you when I'm not. Because I don't mind being second string, I will still remain your friend and maybe we will be better for it. But right now I can't deal with where we are, it stings and I wish it didn't.