Relationships

Photo Cred: http://maozblog.com/israel/living-in-israel-blog-why-you-need-to-make-new-friends/#.U4T7WV5bTwI

Okay so I tried to do something different this week; by different I mean three attempts at recording a video. But sadly that was not to happen. This week I want to talk about relationships, not so much romantic relationships or the livery dove kind but everyday relationships. Mainly friendships.

I bring up this topic because recently I feel like I've been struggling with my standing in a particular relationship. I have been trying to find my footing, so to speak, with a specific person in my life. And maybe this makes me a bitch for ranting anonymously but really all I'm looking for is an outlet, a safe zone where I can get what I'm feeling off my chest and express myself. This is a big reason as to why I will not name names, I will not ambiguously hint at the person to which I'm speaking about. I will be speaking mostly in generalities and what I've been feeling as of late.

And really what I've been feeling is like I've been demoted to second string, I'm the back up friend to someone that still claims that we're more than that. Honestly I don't mind being a second string friend, I have them, we all have them. Being in that position is not really the issue what bothers me is when I'm told that I mean more to you; but your words and your actions are so inconsistent that it hurts a bit. I don't like being told we're close and yet I seem to be a dirty little secret.

Now I've got quality friends in my life that I would bend over backwards for! I've got friends that I would do anything for! I guess that's part of growing up, I'm not interested in having 20-30 friends that only know bits and pieces about me. I'm interested in those 3-4 people that I can go to when I need someone to just sit with me and watch bad TV with, have a drink after a crappy day. I'm interested in those people that are honest with me, that will tell me to my face they have other plans with people and that's why we can't hang out. While good close friends are like family to me I respect that they have their own lives.

And sometimes I like to blame that fact that I'm a Scorpio on this, because there's no in-between with me. I run either hot or cold, I can be your best friend or your worst enemy; I don't really have that lukewarm personality! To fellow Scorpios out there you know what I'm talking about, you know what it's like to exist only at either end of the spectrum and not in middle.

So I guess what I'm really trying to say is that it's honesty I really value above all else, don't try to fool either of us and claim that I am more to you when I'm not. Because I don't mind being second string, I will still remain your friend and maybe we will be better for it. But right now I can't deal with where we are, it stings and I wish it didn't.

Amazed

     For some reason this thought just hit me, a lightbulb if you will just went off inside my head; inspired by a Subway sandwich of all things.
     But I digress, the truly amazing thing that has me in awe is people. I sitting on my lunch break, eating the subway I ordered, and the though suddenly occurred to me ... Well memory rather, because at my very first job me and my coworkers would order Subway together every Thursday night. It was our little ritual, our tradition for probably about a year before it stopped. (Another story for another time)
     I remember the people though, those of us that used to order together and eat together and basically made memories together. The weirdest most absurd conversations would go on around that table and I loved every one of them. But of those people, that little group, I only talk regularly to one person.
     Honestly at this point I barely remember what it was like to not be friends with her, she's like another half of my brain I never knew was missing. The others however, one has since passed on, losing her unfortunate battle to cancer more than a year ago. One I still speak too and see occasionally, life happens right?? She has her life and I have mine but we still really enjoy way others company and see each other whenever we can.
     The fourth though, I honestly don't know what happened there. Life happened I guess, I lived mine the way I wanted too. Did the things that would make me happy. But she just couldn't deal and somehow that's my fault.
     I'm not sure why or how that happened and it makes me sad that people can be so petty. But I will never apologize for doing something that makes me happiest, that gave me great memories and even greater friends that I can count on.
So that's the amazing part, the people that come into your life and are supportive no matter what. Those people that become invaluable to you; people you meet that change you forever ... for the good.

Isn't it amazing ...